Wow

Oh my gosh, y’all. I cannot believe how quickly this week has flown. We’ve been busy, yes, but not overwhelmingly so, so I’m confused as to how it went so quickly!

1427760I love this icon. It’s called “Fever of 100 & Werewolf” and it’s based off Cleolinda’s masterful New Moon recap. You know, Jacob’s all of a sudden so HOT all time, it’s like he’s running a fever of 100 & werewolf. “Why on earth did she put that in here?” you may ask. Because Maggie and I saw New Moon on Wednesday and because now Maggie’s running a fever. I wonder if she’s a wolfgal…?

Wednesday, the kids had half days and Maggie & Steven’s school had a fall program we went to. Steve had the whole day off, so he was able to come, too, which made the kids happy. Each class sang a couple of songs and it was very nice. I forgot my camera, of course, so Steve grabbed some shots with his new Droid phone. William sat perfectly happily through the whole thing, enjoying the music and not fussing at all. Yay for that!

After the program, Maggie and I had a date to go see New Moon. I was hoping, since it had been out almost a week now, that we’d miss all the insane fangirls, more insane TwiMoms and maybe the theatre wouldn’t be too full so I wouldn’t feel too bad when my inevitable laughter escaped. And that worked, out, thankfully. Because I could NOT keep it contained. Okay – I didn’t see Twilight in the theatre because, seriously, I could not bear it. In my opinion, the book is awful and the movie is more awful and I’m so glad I waited. It’s bad enough on DVD. But Maggie really wanted to see New Moon in the theatre, so I agreed to take her. I do think New Moon was made better than Twilight was – it was less painful to watch, generally. To me, Twilight seemed like a really badly filmed after school special that didn’t have enough financing to have the proper lights available. Everything was so BLUE. Plus…just bad. Which is why SNL’s Firelight parody make me choke on my own spit.

Anyway, New Moon. As much as I hated Twilight, I hated New Moon (the book) more. The whole “boyfriend broke up with me and I can no longer function on any level, so I’m going to lie here in the woods and hope I die” vibe makes me so very, very angry. Then she gets rescued (because that’s what girls NEED, y’all) and becomes incommunicado for 3 months. MONTHS. If my daughter ever behaves like this, I will shake her silly. Then – what gets her out of her funk? Another boy. And she’s willing to completely play with him and use him, even though she has no intention of really being interested in him. It’s okay, just use him to make yourself feel better with no thought to his feelings at all. Selfish much? And, again, this book is 7,000 pages long and NOTHING HAPPENS until the last 1/4. Yeah, the werewolves are revealed, but most of it is just plod, plod, plod. So I’m going into this movie prepared for the worst.

There were, literally, about 10 moments in the movie where I burst out laughing. Mostly at Edward, though. Because he is ridiculous. His makeup is even worse in this movie. Way too light (BLEND!! MAKEUP PEOPLE – BLEND, BLEND, BLEND!!!) with actual noticeable lipgloss. LipGLOSS. And so much of his on-screen time was spent being super broody and just kind of creeping around. When he was just in her bedroom looking through her photo album, I’m all like, “Dude?? You’re in her ROOM. Get out of her ROOM”. Then she shows up at the house and he’s just being a creeper in her backyard. It was just icky.

Even with the low number of people in our theatre, there was still an audible murmur when Jacob first took his shirt off. I, however, felt very icky about it. He’s 17 and I hate that he’s so obviously being plated & presented as eye candy. If it was just 14 year old girls, it would be one thing, but there’s so many creepy TwiMoms out there who are just obsessed with these characters, so it creeped me out to see him being offered up like that. Then he spends the whole rest of the movie naked from the waist up which was just TOOOOO much for me. I don’t want to see all that – put a shirt on, boys. NOW. Plus, then at the end, Edward takes his shirt off and the skinny paleness after an hour of buff, cut, tan werewolf chest just made me go EWWW. Poor Rob. I’m sorry, dude.

The way they handled the months passing deal was as good as it could be, I suppose, if they had to include it. Though, come on. Bella’s sitting in the same spot for THREE MONTHS and she looks exactly the same? No hair growth? No scum and eye boogers and nasty teeth? Hair isn’t greasy? Anybody I know would look like warmed up vomit after 3 months. Not to mention the smell. And nobody just got fed up with her self-indulgence and just kicked her in the butt? If Maggie ever even attempts to behave that way, I will give a smackdown.

My favorite part? When Jacob went werewolf. I actually yelled out “FURSPLODE!!!” when it happened, because it had to be done. Much to the embarrassment and chagrin of Maggie. But considering someone else decided to let their small child loudly whine (EEEHHH….EEEHHHH…EHHHH…..EEHHHHH….EEEHHHHH…) for 10 minutes, I don’t feel too bad. One question – if one of the main character qualities of your lead is how adorably clumsy they are and the life of her love depends upon her ability to run through a big crowd over cobblestone streets and through a fountain to reach him before he sparkles in the shiny sun – should you just ignore that adorable clumsiness because it would mess everything up? Sure, Stephenie. Just pretend it isn’t there. Because the Bella we’ve come to know and not dislike too much would have fallen down 4 times, skinned up her knees until they were bloody and crashed head-first into the fountain. But then Eddie would be deady, so never mind.

Hee. Okay – that’s it for today. Had to share my thoughts. Oh, wait, one more. I cracked myself up. When they’re seeing the Volturi and Aro tries to see inside Bella’s mind? He takes her hands and stares loopily at her for a minute and says, “I see nothing.” And I had to lean over and say to Maggie, “Because there’s nothing in her head to SEE”.

You know what bothers me the most about this series? The idea that a woman cannot function without a man. That we need them to protect us, to keep us safe, to fulfill and complete us and, without that, we are lost, suicidal and desperate. You can’t argue the whole “but Bella & Edward’s love is so much deeper than anyone else’s” because that is a load. A big, stinky, fly-covered load. We’ve all been in love. We’ve had that overwhelming teenage angsty love where, when it ended, we thought we’d die. But we didn’t. In fact, we realized later that first love wasn’t even really that full. Instead of encouraging young readers of that, though, it’s just reinforcing their self-absorbed fantasy that they have the deepest love ever and he rejected her and it “feels like there’s a hole in my chest” and they should be indulged in that. Way to go. Maybe we need more books where the heroine discovers that she is fine on her own, that she’s capable and strong, smart and cool and that the addition of a guy is a bonus on top of that – not the long-awaited defining piece that they’ve been missing. Just a thought.

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