Why denial is not jut a river in Egypt

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Despite what this picture is trying to claim, Steven is NOT five. He simply isn’t. I refuse it. I shun it. There simply is no way that this boy has been with us five years. I’m so very sad about this. That five years ago, this happened:

I woke up on Tuesday, April 24th, with noticeably different contractions that I’d had before – focused lower in my abdomen & across my back too – rather than up at the top. Since I already had my regular appointment at 4 pm, I decided to just wait & see what the doctor had to say rather than call earlier. I went about my day, noticing that the ctx weren’t going away, but didn’t have any regularity. I called Steved & told him that he should probably come & getme to take me to my appointment, just in case, so he did. At the doctor, I only measured 1 cm & 20% effaced. So…off to the mall we went to get some walking in. We did that for about 1 hour & then went & had dinner at Outback. At dinner, the ctx picked up in both regularity & intensity & we were timing them about 7-12 mins apart. We went home, put Maggie to bed & decided to watch a movie while we waited. Finally at midnight, I called the doctor & they dispatched a nurse to check me out. While we waited for her to arrive, Steve cleaned the kitchen & I prepared the playroom with all the last minute stuff we needed – towels, washcloths, underpads, crockpot (for warming washcloths) and got the futon ready. The nurse got there around 1:30 am and when she checked me, I was fully effaced & dilated to 5-6 cm. I called my friend, Connie, who was my doula, and summoned the doctor. For the first hour or so, I was doing really well – chatting with everyone & standing or leaning over the table when a ctx hit. Oh…and I ate. I tried the jacuzzi tub at about 3 am to see if that helped, but lying back was too painful. My back pain was really bad, so I got out, put on a robe and went into the playroom to try rocking on hands and knees. I turned on my praise & worship tape that I’d made to give me some music to listen to. This is when it really started kicking in – ctx every 3-4 mins lasting 60 secs or more. I was still wanting to chat between ctx, but they were starting to get really painful. About this time, Steve’s parents arrived. His dad is a chiropractor, so he came in & spent a long time rubbing my back & hips – really helping with counterpressure & using it to help my hips spread & relieve the back pain. At this point, wiht every ctx, I needed someone to push hard on the small of my back which helped. I also remember during this time that the song “Draw Me Close” came on which was sung by my friend, Camille. It was wonderful to hear her singing to me while I worked for my baby. I changed positions at about 4am – leaning on Steve while Connie pushed on my back. I was getting really tired now & decided to lie down on my right side. I would start to fall asleep a little between ctx, but when they’d come, they were POWERFUL! I’m so glad I had Connie at this point, because she was so awesome at keeping me focused. When the ctx would come, I’d open my eyes & she’d be right there at my level looking right in my eyes. I’d zone in on her eyes & follow her breathing patterns & she got me through it. At about 4:30, Maggie woke up & came in to watch. She sat with Steve’s mom and watched the whole rest of the scene. at 5:10, I had to throw up. Yum. I was finally completely dilated & the doctor said I could push gently if I wanted to. I started pushing at 5:30 on my left side with my right leg bent up. At 5:40, the doctor said I should sit up & start pushing. I sat up with pillows behind my back& started pushing. Three or 4 pushes in, my water broke. The pushing was SO hard – such a different feeling from when I had Magge. Feelign the baby moving down & the “ring of fire” as he started crowning. There was tons of pain in my back & I felt like I wasn’t making much progress, but I was. Maggie got a little upset with Mommy’s noisemaking so, at this point, she decided to go over to her easel & paint. The baby crowned at 6:15 am and was delivered at 6:22. The nurse did all the work & in one fell swoop, pulled the baby out & placed him on my skin. He let out a few mews, but was pretty quiet. They weighed him by wrapping him up in a blanket and hanging him from a fishing scale with forceps. After about 20 mins of after-the-birth-stuff. we got wrapped up & moved into the living room for nursing while Steve made eggs & bacon for everyone. I made phone calls, nursed & ate & relaxed on the sofa.

It was amazing. I was so pleased to have a son and Steven was perfect. Our little nuglet.

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I can’t believe it’s been 5 years, my boy. We’ve learned so much in that time. So much growth, so much new knowledge and so very much love. No matter how much we’ve struggled in that time, there is one immutable fact. I adore you. You are my boy. Your love is fierce and steadfast and sometimes painful, but it’s there. I’ve learned how different boys & girls are. How important it is to listen to what you’re saying – even when it’s not spoken. How to play with trains. So many things I’ve learned. I’m SO glad that God gave you to us. As frustrated as I sometimes get, my love for you never wavers. I will work on this, my buddy. I will work on being less frustrated with you & more giving. Less impatient & more silly. On finding ways to say “yes”. On helping you discover your gifts and what makes you come alive. I promise you. You’re my little man. And while I cannot marry you, I still have a special love that’s JUST YOURS. No one else is like my Steven. No one else loves you like your Mommy. Here’s to the next 5 years, little dude.

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