When & How, Lord?

What do you do when your strength runs dry? When your hope for improvement or change of circumstance fades in the waiting? When everything you’ve tried & prayed for just isn’t materializing? Do you try a different tactic? Give up and give in? Throw up your hands and run away?

I know God tells us again and again in Scripture that we have to continue to have faith – to trust in the Lord and His plan and know that He has a plan for us. That He doesn’t want for us to give up, but believe that we have a future and a hope. I know this, believe this and want to put all my eggs in this basket. However, it seems that, in our humanness, it sometimes comes to a breaking point. Where you simply cannot take any more. You cannot give any more. Pleas fall on deaf ears and you find yourself right back at square one, but this time you’re more depressed and more angry.

This is how I feel right now. The other day, I drove past a church with a Scripture verse on the sign that I now can’t identify. It was something along the lines of “There is more strength and hope for those who wait upon the Lord”. However, I cannot identify the chapter and verse from anything that’s in my head. I thought it was in Philippians, but I couldn’t find it.

Anyway, I read this verse and it applied to how I feel, so I prayed. I prayed for more strength and continued hope. But then I got angry. I started getting an attitude with God as I prayed, thinking, “why do *I* have to keep praying for more strength and more hope when no one seems to be doing their part to stop what is diminishing my strength and hope to begin with? Am I supposed to just keep lying down and praying for strength so others can continue to walk all over me and take me for granted?” I’m mad about it. God has promised life in abundance, but I feel like I’ve been waiting for REAL life to start for over a decade now. Everything that’s supposed to “make it better” and “improve things”? Isn’t. Promises that things will improve if I just wait? Aren’t. I’m just sitting here, biding my time, waiting for my life to begin. Because this? Isn’t life. This is carpools and appointments and killing time. This is the 678675769th diaper change, more yogurt, and doing laundry. This is moving furniture alone, fighting with kids and being unable to go anywhere. It sucks and I don’t know how to fix it.

I keep thinking that most other people in my situation would have cashed in their chips by now. Cut their losses and simply given up. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. The selfishness, the entitlement, the assumptions. The coming in last. The attitudes. Going over the same material again and again and again and again and then being attacked when I lose my patience.

I can’t cut my losses and run. Simply couldn’t do that. But I wonder what effect all this is having on me. The depression, the anger, the stress.

Just so tired of being the least important part of the machine. Y’know?

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