Rashy

Have you ever wished you were a bear or something so you could just scratch up against a tree with no repercussions? No?? Just me??

I don’t know what’s going on, but the histamines in my body are trying to kill me. About 2 weeks ago, I was gardening in a hot day. Of course, I was sweating & often when that happens, i get an itchy rash under my bra band (and where the girls hit my overgrown stomach, but you didn’t want to know that…) It’s almost as if I’m allergic to my own sweat. It makes it unpleasant to be out doing things in the summer because any sort of exercise (like, say, WALKING) makes this happen.

Ever since then, I’ve been utterly overwhelmed by what seems to be an allergic reaction. Everywhere skin hits skin or rubs against clothes, I have a horrifically itchy, bumpy rash. Under my arms, inside my elbows, the tops & inside of my thighs, all over my stomach and the aforementioned bra area. Itchy to the point where I cannot stop scratching. Till it bleeds. I have scratched my thighs so hard I have bruises.

I’m going to have to go to the doctor because I don’t know what else to try. I’ve tried Gold Bond powder, Cortizone 10, Lanacane, regular baby powder, witch hazel and Benadryl. Nothing is making a dent. It’s ugly and embarrassing to have to dig & scratch or die. Sometimes I hate being me.

In happier reports, we celebrated Father’s Day early. Steve wanted to do what I did and spend the day at the movies, but he wanted to SPEND THE DAY AT THE MOVIES. So he planned out a whole day using the movie times and off we went. We started with The Dictator. Which was an utter waste of time & money. There were a few funny moments, but for the most part, it was just vulgar, insulting, offensive and dumb. It’s just sad that this is what passes for comedy now. Where are the truly funny movies? Movies with intelligence, wit, cleverness and joy? I guess the average American doesn’t want to see that or at least Hollywood doesn’t think they do. It’s just a shame. I get a little weary of sitting through scenes of self-pleasure or the demeaning of groups of people in the name of “comedy”. I just don’t find it funny. And it’s not because I’m a prude, it’s because it’s cheap. And because I don’t want to know that. I know it’x part of  “real life”, but it doesn’t mean I have to watch it. I mean….ew.

After that, we saw Snow White and the Huntsman. Which was a good concept and could have been awesome. But it wasn’t. Mostly because people keep letting Kristin Stewart act. I mean, MY GOD. I call it, officially. She is the worst actress ever in the whole world, ever. I’m so sick of her bitchface and her pout and her crazy big front teeth. She always looks like she’s smelling somebody’s oniony fart, no matter what’s happening in the scene. To have her play Snow White is an insult to the Brothers Grimm and Disney and Germany and white people and brunettes and breathing and the universe and cheese. To have her in another role where she is, apparently, “life” and the best person ever in the history of people and perfect and beautiful and filled with golden perfection makes me want to pull my lungs out of my nose. Just stop it, Hollywood.

By the end of this movie, Steve and I were totally cracking up. There were so many hysterical bits. Like when the dwarves appear and all of sudden Al Swearingen dwarf is there. Followed by Truman Capote dwarf and Shaun of the Dead dwarf. It was so unsettling – expecting Beith to suddenly burst into a profanity-laced diatribe. I thought it was strange, too, when there are so many talented actors who actually ARE little people (Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage just off the top of my head), to have full-sized actors CGI’d down for no apparent reason. Weird.

Charlize Theron gnawed on the scenery like a nest of rats. I’m really, really tired of her and watching her overplay every moment and mangle a British accent totally annoyed me. Plus, totally Hollywood that even when she’s had (I’m sure) hours of makeup to make her look old and haggard and she still looks beautiful. When she is supposed to look beautiful, she looks unreal. No one has skin that smooth – it’s like plastic.

Best moment by far, near the end, Snow White rallies the people at the Duke’s castle to mount up and ride with her to fight Ravenna. They all armor up, mount their horses and exit over the castle’s bridge. Apparently, the horse wrangler found the two gayest, most festive horses in all the land to lead the army. They begin to march and these 2 white horses begin PRANCING with My Little Pony front legs up all high and pawing at the air as if to say, “Oh my GAWD, this is the BEST EVAR! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Both Steve and I BURST out laughing and completely lost control for about 3 minutes. So totally incongruous, unexpected and freaking hysterical. I wish I could find a clip of it, because it’s priceless.

After SWATH, we saw Prometheus in IMAX 3D Mega Sensory Assault 37. Holy schnikeys, y’all. When the ship lands? THE SHIP FREAKING LANDS. This was pretty good. I didn’t adore it – partially because I had to sit through another Charlize Theron Ice Queen performance and partially because I had just seen Michael Fassbender in Shame the night before and I didn’t want to look at him anymore. Loved Noomi Rapace. Her face is just amazing. Those huge, high cheekbones and delicate nose – she’s beautiful in a really cool, Scandinavian way. And I like listening to her talk. Loved Idris Elba. The story was good, but I wanted more explanation. I wanted to know what Dr. Shaw wanted to know. Noomi Rapace is one hardcore broad, too. She gets horrifically raped and beaten in her first big movie and performs her own CSection in this one. How do you go home and care for your family while you’re filming this stuff? She’s just hard CORE.

Our last movie was Battleship. I’d already seen it, so I got my little bit of Skarsgård and then just enjoyed the actual military people in the movie. The scene where they get the final boat makes me cry. I love it.

After 4 movies, we grabbed a steak at Ruth’s Chris Steak House and I realized something. I listened to my husband coo and fawn over his food, whispering sweet nothings to his broccoli au gratin, looking lustfully at his sizzling steak on the 500 degree plate and it hit me. The way I obsess over Jason Isaacs and Alan Rickman and the lot is the way he obsesses over food. Oh, and Nigella Lawson. Once his food came, I could have been anyone – or not even been there at all. It really made me laugh and feel a little less guilty about my obsessions. So funny!

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