Open letter to my parents

Just so’s you know – I hope you weren’t planning on coming back here to live. Because we ain’t leaving. This is the best house ever & you’ll have to pry my cold, dead hands off the door handle to get me out.

The beds are amazing comfy, the construction & decoration is soothing & comforting, I can do interpretive dance in the kitchen, it’s so huge, you have front-loading washer & dryer which I love, Henry is having a love affair with your floors, I can put on my makeup sitting down & I can watch 37 different Flip That House programs. The only changes I’d make are:

Getting a stove that preheats in less than an hour. Seriously – you set it to 350 and it’s about 45 minutes later that it gets there. By that time, you’re so hungry you’ve already chewed off your arm.

I’d consider buying a bat & a bat house and placing them outside. Every time we open the door, there are 5786576986765487657865789695865 mosquitoes swarming around. The air pressure change when you open the door sucks 1/2 of them inside where they proceed to gorge themselves on my children. Steven has 22 mosquito bites right now. Henry has one on his FACE. Gotta get a bat. It’ll be the fattest bat you’ve ever seen.

Yeah……I can’t even think of anything else. That’s how awesome this house is. I’d add a deep freeze somewhere for more frozen food storage (we LOVE you Dream Dinners!!), but that’s a personal thing. Since my ‘rents don’t cook, they can’t use that. Oh…and the cats. I’m afraid you’ll have to take them. Since Steven can’t stop gently tossing things at them, trying to swordfight with them & playing “chase”. Or, in cat translation, “omgthatstupidboyisfollowingmeagainmeow”. Henry gets right up in their face (seriously – thisclose) and says to them, at the top of his lungs, “You’re a CAT. CAT. CATCATCATMEOW. I a CAT. CAT. mumblemumblegurglemumbleCAT. MEOW.” Oh, and Steve’s allergies are freaking out. We both woke up today with totally clogged sinuses, coughing & sneezing. So, you’ll have to take the cats. But they’ll be happy at the other house. This is a happy house. A little echoey, but that’s okay. We’ll just be here….happily being here. Checking out the squatting laws. And enjoying all the purple. Have a great trip.

Of course, you know I’m totally kidding about this. We do love it here, but we’d never stage a sit-in or anything. Besides, squatter’s laws are notoriously shaky.

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