It’s Sunday…

…in case you didn’t know. So much on my mind today, but I’m having trouble articulating it. I’m learning a lot about the nature of God lately and really thinking about what He wants from me. Thinking about being free and what it means in God’s terms. About letting go of everything to which I cling so tightly and just playing the Ultimate Trust Game with the Creator. Listening to songs I’ve heard 58740856476538 times and hearing a new message in them. I know He’s trying to tell me something that’s really important for me, but I’m not sure what it is. It’s kind of this tenuous, nebulous, fibrous THING that I can almost grab hold of, but not quite. I’m picturing it like the scene in Goblet of Fire when Dumbledore is putting his memories in the pensieve – the way the special effects did the memories coming out of his head at the end of his wand. My natural tendency is to wildly grab at the dangly fibers, hoping to catch hold of something so I can just run with it, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to chew on every little bit He gives me until I feel that I KNOW what he’s saying. I know it’s something about how He wants me to be more free – to have the true freedom that comes only from Him – but that i can’t have it until I let go. Until I stop clinging on to my life like a weatherman doing a hurricane report. I picture the scene in my head like in a movie. There’s a dinner table and there’s a plate of food that I keep sneakily reaching my hand up to grab, but then a hand slaps mine away. “Stop grabbing that”

Y’know, I’m realizing more & more that I truly am just a brat. A selfish brat. Now, before you get all supportive of me, hear me out. I was reading another blog (that I cannot find again – I’m sorry) where she was talking about her misguided view of her “rights” and how it was interfering with God’s work in her life. She felt she had a “right” to this, that & the other thing, but the light came on when she realized that she has no right to anything. She is a bondservant – bought & paid for by Jesus, a loving Master. The only thing she should be concerned with is carrying out that Master’s will – not bargaining & complaining for what she thinks she’s owed. “My gosh,” I thought. “This is so right on.” I constantly think about what I deserve – or more accurately, that I don’t deserve thus & such – when in reality if I got what I deserved, I’d be burning with the light of 1000 suns in the pits of hell. THAT, my friends, is what I deserve. Instead, I’ve been given forgiveness, redemption, grace, love, freedom and mercy. The only demand on me is that I give unending love to the One who bought me and that I take what I’ve been given & pass it on. I think now about how my kids are acting when my thought is, “What a BRAT.” Y’know what? They’re acting exactly the way I do. Selfishly. Ungratefully. Shouting out, “Stop bossing me!!” or “I don’t have to do what you SAY!!!” I might not be uttering those words, but the underlying meaning is exactly the same. When I won’t forgive someone. When I get my nose all out of joint at something. When I let Satan steal my joy. When I won’t do the things God’s asking of me. I might as well be stomping my foot and shrieking at him that “it’s not FAIR!!!!!” I’ve sure given Him every excuse to just shut down and go, “You are such a BRAT. Just SHUT UP. Y’know what? Never mind. You ruin everything.” Thank You, God, for not doing that. I’m going to try to do better. Just keep reminding me. I’m slow, but eventually I get it.

I pulled a classic klutz move this morning. I have a problem with really thick callous buildup on my heels, so when summer comes and it’s time to pull out the cute backless shoes, I have to operate. I’ve tried the whole pumice stone, file, special creams route & none of them worked. So I found this cool contraption that totally works. It’s like a covered razor blade on a handle and it easily (and safely) shaves this skin off your feet. You use it after a bath or shower when the skin has softened up and it works wonders. So, here I was this morning, fresh out of the shower, ready to shave my feet. ::HEE!!:: I go to move the blade from “closed” to “open”, but in my early morning stupor, I wasn’t paying attention to how i was doing it. Rather than placing my fingers on the SIDES of the sliding cover, I just pushed up with my thumb. To be rudely greeted by a really sharp razor blade burying itself deep within the pad of said thumb. With much bleeding. Seriously, the thing must have gone in a whole inch. As I am not a doctor, I quickly wrapped 2 bandaids around the thumb – both vertically and horizontally. Quickly I realized this was not enough as the blood soaked through both bandages within seconds. I ended up wrapped five bandages around the thumb (around and over and around and over and around) just to contain the bleeding. Thankfully, it did. Of course, the benefit is to lead worship looking like you had a horrible gardening accident and lost the tip of your thumb. Plus, it’s really hard to put on makeup without using the pad of your thumb.

Finally, I need to ask for prayers. I cannot get into any specifics because I have not been given permission to do so, but my family could really use some heavy-duty prayers right now – especially this next week. Please, please pray. When I get permission to share about this, I will, so that prayers can be more specific, but for now, just know that we are seriously coveting your most fervent prayers.