I Challenge You, People Magazine

Once again, People Magazine has put out their list of “Random Little Boys Who Have Abs, So That Makes Them HAWT!” issue. I cannot stand this issue. Because, inevitably, there are less than five actual men in the magazine. The rest are little square-jawed, 4% body fat, clones sporting scruff to show that they’ve actually passed puberty. It drives me nuts. If I see one handful of males that I find attractive, I’m gobsmacked.

Anyway, I take it upon myself to correct their list. Or, at the very least, just share my ideas for who needs to be included. Because I am sick & tired of seeing Johnny Depp, the kids from Vampire Diaries, Justin Timberlake & Zac Efron on these lists.

Jason Isaacs. “Duh,” I hear you all saying. I know. I know. I spend too much time singing his praises. However, he alone has far more attractiveness & sex appeal in a lock of his hair than most of the People entries will ever dream of having in their whole, entire lives. Zac Efron only DREAMS of having half this manliness. Don’t believe me? Watch Peter Pan (2003). Experience his Hook and then tell me I’m wrong.

Yes, I know. I’m getting my obvious picks out of the way first. I prefer an 1990s Alan Rickman, myself, but for my money at 65 he’s still way better than most of today’s “hotties”. Even when he plays a degenerate, loathsome, poorly groomed character, he draws you in. The voice is God’s molasses. Doesn’t matter what he’s saying, it’s awesome. Oh, and he’s got REALLY good hands, too.

Mr. Dirty Jobs, himself, Mike Rowe. One thing you’ll notice about most of my picks is that the adjective “funny” applies. A funny guy is way hotter than someone who’s typically “hot”. Mike is funny as hell. Self-deprecating, bordering on naughty, he’s just wonderful. And he’s a MAN. Not a little boy or one of these wanna-bes. Everything about him is masculine. Not afraid to get dirty and do tough things. And he looks good in jeans.

Here’s one that People did include. Mostly because he’s really hot right now. But I agree with them on this one. Jon Hamm (not his Don Draper character) is the complete package. Yes, he’s good looking, but more than that, the guy is FUNNY. I didn’t know that until I heard him on several podcasts before he ever appeared on SNL, but this dude is wicked funny. His appearances on SNL prove it, too. His “Hamm & Buble” sketch was brilliant as was the “Sergio” digital short. I’d love to see him do more comedy. You know what else I noticed? He could play Jason Isaacs brother in something. I think so.

I know this one is unusual. Here’s another example of “funny” being “hot”. The season before last of SNL, I developed a bit of a crush on Will Forte. Not because any of his characters were attractive, but because his utter commitment to the comedy was almost unbelievable. I loved his Clancy T. Bachleratt character (singing about Model T cars, jars of beer, toddlers and spaceships) and whenever he’d sing something on Update, I’d collapse into giggles. Commitment + Funny = Hot.

Kevin Kline has been hot for a long time. I, myself, am particularly fond of him circa “Pirates of Penzance”. His Pirate King was sexy and funny at the same time and almost made Linda Ronstadt’s acting tolerable. Almost. Dude can sing, dance, act and be crazily funny. He’s so awesome, in fact, that he snagged Phoebe Cates. She’s got good taste.

Weren’t expecting this one, were you? I’ve had a bit of a crush on Sam Elliot for over 20 years. He’s got that grizzled, weathered, cowboy thing that is wonderful. I can’t remember where I first saw him, but it might have been “Roadhouse”. Love him in jeans, cowboy boots and a big ‘ole belt buckle. Also, again with a good voice. Deep, raspy and intimate. He’s even sexier with the white hair. He looks like he’s made of leather and would smell like whiskey, tobacco and musk. Where is HE on People’s list, huh??

Another unexpected choice, I know. Andre Braugher is the man. Those eyes, that smile and that voice. First saw him on “Homicide” and was completely taken aback. His commanding presence was overwhelming. He’s all intimidating and a little scary until he breaks out into that smile and you gasp. Love the white hair, too.

Craig Ferguson is a guilty pleasure. AMAZING sexy accent, twinkly eyes and that cheeky monkey personality. He’s incredibly funny and quite talented as well. I love his mouth is a little too big for his face. I only watch his show in HD because his eyes actually TWINKLE. It’s so charming. He’s a great interviewer and the Scottish thing is awesome. Love craigyferg.

Wouldn’t expect to see Rowan Atkinson on this list, would you? It’s a shame because he’s funny as all get out and his accent is DREAMY. Normally, though, even I wouldn’t consider him sexy. However, add the facial hair and everything changes. He becomes suave, snarky and wickedly sexy.

Jason Bateman. Another funny guy. Usually plays the straight guy, but he’s no less funny in that role. Also with the great smile.

There’s only one word for this entry. “Duh”. Alexander SkarsgÃ¥rd. And, yes, People has recognized him before. Maybe I just wanted to look at this picture. Maybe.

Peter Dinklage. Funny, great voice, good looking, just happens to be a little person. Doesn’t make him any less sexy. I’d love to see People feature him sometime. Funny as the blazes in “Elf”, totally awesome with a sexy accent in “Prince Caspian”, apparently awesome in “The Station Agent”.

Finally, my husband. Not conventionally “hot”, but get to know him. Smarter than imaginable, funny enough to rope me in, great voice, talented as hell. His eyes are dreamy – they grab you and then you see these big, delicious lashes. There’s just a touch of wicked there that you might miss if you aren’t looking closely. People needs to get their glossy little hands on him.

So that’s my list. What’re your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Who’d I miss?