Gone

slow-down-and-enjoy-everyday-life-goes-by-way-too-fast-quote-1How is it that we are halfway through the school year already? I have to admit, I’m freaking out a little bit. I blinked and first semester is GONE. I do not know how it went so quickly. I know we’ve been busy – what with the fall shows, concerts, Madrigals, Variety Cabaret and the photography gigs I’ve had, but this is ridiculous. I told myself at the beginning of the semester that I was going to take it slowly and try to really be present at all these “lasts” that Maggie would have. Then I blinked and it’s gone.

Which, of course, means that if I blink again, it’s going to be over. And I do not know how to handle that. My firstborn, my baby girl will be graduating, preparing for college, and then gone. I feel like I’m missing it. It’s too fast. Too soon. And because I have these 3 boys to care for, I’m not able to give it my full attention. I’m not able to revel in it like I wanted. I’m not able to just sit back and soak it all in so that I REMEMBER. Because I want to, so badly.

Truthfully, I have terrible abandonment issues. When the end of something comes, I lost perspective. It feels like a huge knot in the pit of my stomach and that I’m losing something – really, really losing it. So looking down the barrel of these last couple of months, I don’t feel like something awesome is being completed and a new chapter is beginning. I feel like I’m losing something precious & irreplaceable. Not that she’s growing and moving on, but that she’s leaving me. And I know that’s on me, 100%. This is what she’s supposed to be doing and it’s exciting & magical & right. But I feel like something is being torn away from me. Which makes me have to be really careful about not clinging too hard. Not doing what I want to do – which is grab tight, dig in my nails and scream that she’s not leaving me, too. But I can’t. And I won’t.

I started this year picking 2 words that I really wanted to focus on this year: PRESENT and ALIVE. I think I’ve been relatively successful in achieving “alive” because I’ve really made strides this year in stepping and & doing the things I love in order to feel alive. Yes, I’m busier, but having more opportunities with my photography has really helped me come into my own as a person beyond being “mom”. “Present”, however, has still eluded me. I’m better, I think, but I still have a ways to go. I feel I really need to get a handle on it soon, because there is a lot coming up that I need to be present for. Really paying attention and involved and not just ticking off a box next to something on the calendar.

Anyway. I got kind of overwhelmed with all this yesterday. I need things to slow down, I need my family to stop being sick, and I need to plug in. Because it’s almost over and these moments will never come again.

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