Do I ever…

…write any entries that say anything other than “Good Lord, I’m so tired”? Seriously…do I? Because it feels like I sure don’t.

This week was Steven’s “Dino-Mite Student” week at school. Every day, he got to bring a toy to school and have pictures of himself up in the classroom. Today he took the Smelting Yard he got for his birthday from me & Steve. He didn’t want to put it in his backpack, so he carried it up to the school line-up and caught the attention of all his male classmates. He got in line behind a new friend, J’lynn (I think??) and showed him how it worked. It was so cool to me to watch him communicate on a friend level with someone. How cool he thought his toy was and how proud he was to show it off to a friend. How it worked. Who gave it to him. I was so proud of him. It’s so hard for him to communicate and be friendly with other kids – it was superiorly cool for Mom.

Y’know, I’m feeling kind of melancholy & misty today. It’s been a really, really rough week with Steven. He’s been particulary obstinate lately with a very rude & hateful mouth and lots of hitting & throwing things. He’s constantly telling me I’m a liar when I won’t do what he wants. When he gets a spank, he responds by running up to me & pinching me or throwing something at me from a short distance. I feel like I’m spending a lot of time yelling & spanking and not a whole lot of time enjoying him. However, then there are these moments. Where I just catch my breath and have to STOP. I just look at him & my heart stops. Because of the overwhelming, heart-stopping love that just smacks me in the back of the head. Where I want to just hold him until he stops growing up. Squeeze his head and cover him in kisses. I find that I’m spending too much time trying to get through & not enough time enjoying where we are. I’m so short-tempered & have the patience of a gnat on crystal meth. I pray for more patience. I pray for sight to see that right where we are is to be savored. I need to slow down because this is gonna be GONE, y’all. Everybody tells me that it’ll be over far too soon. But I’m so busy trying to get past this that I’m not loving them as much as I should. I’m not marveling like I should. I’m not noticing the wonder like I should. I’m not playing like I should. Lord, help me with this. Help me to push that button on my life’s VCR that makes things go in slow motion. So that I can see every frame of what’s happening. Do a little less & love a little more.

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