This is my husband. His name is Steve. No, he doesn’t dress like this everyday. Last Halloween, we all went as characters from Peter Pan (he was Captain Hook, I was Tinkerbell, Maggie was Wendy, Steven was Peter Pan & Henry was Captain Hook’s pet goat.) and he dressed up. My husband is incredible. He is incredibly smart. And not just book smart, he’s got street smarts, prison smarts (No. He was a guard.) and every other kinda smarts there are. I cannot even begin to plumb the depths of this guy’s brain. He’s also super, super funny. That’s what first attracted me to him. He always made me laugh, from the 1st night I met him, but the first time I looked at him with my, “Good God, you’re funny. That’s hot.” was a night when we were out with friends and somehow, within the context of the conversation, I mentioned that I could fit my fist in my mouth. (Shut up.) His response? “Wow. I’ve been looking for you all my life.” Funny is very sexy, y’all.
Anyway, I’m so amazed with my husband. I just wanted to take a post & sing his praises. One thing about him – the man has zero patience for stupidity. Zip, zilch, nada, none. If you look up “does not suffer fools glady” in the National Phrasetionary (yeah, I made it up), there would be his picture. Occasionally, he gets what he affectionately calls, “the cruelies”, where he just can’t keep his mouth shut anymore & has to point out a random stranger’s moronicity in a humorous manner. A few examples.

  1. My hubby just shared with me a recent lunch he had at a restaurant. As he’s trying to enjoy his Chinese buffet lunch, he’s forced to listen to some bee-yotch’s cell phone conversation. Relating, in GRAPHIC detail, her recent shagfest with some guy, her offensive >>>vaginal discharge <<< (spoilered for the sensitive), resulting doctor’s visit and every other nasty detail relating with same. Since he was sitting behind her, she couldn’t see his facial expressions. However, as he left to pay, she was paying as well (and STILL on the phone). He says to her, quite loudly, “Gee, I hope your vagina problems clear up soon!”
  2. One irritation he has is people who go about their lives as if they are the only/most important person in the world. Unfortunately, this happens quite a bit. One day, as he’s shopping in the produce section of our local grocery, this woman who just oozed “entitlement” out of every pore kept coming up with her cart & cutting him off. He’d be headed toward the bananas, she’d cut her cart in front of him. He’d move toward the veggies, she’d cut her cart in front of him. And on & on. Finally, he’d had it. He pulls over to the mangos &…you guessed it. He grins evilly to himself, sidles up behind her while walking past. Placing his mouth as close to the back of her head as he can, he says, rather loudly & expressively, “MANG-GOS”. And continues walking. She, of course, freaks out. He’s now on a roll. He continues to covertly follow her throughout the store shouting, “MANG-GOS”. Finally, she goes up to an employee & complains about him. He continues on with his shopping, completely innocently. The incredulous employee approaches him, asking, “Ummmm…that lady says you’re shouting ‘mangos’ at her throughout the store…?” He goes, completely believably, “What? Why would anyone do that? Sorry, but no. I haven’t done that.” And continues on his way.
  3. My favorite – and partially my fault. We had just been shopping at Sam’s Club with the kids. (There were only 2 at the time) I was driving and trying to turn left out of the parking lot – a near impossibility at this intersection on a Saturday afternoon. Literally. During this time, the backseat is erupting with, “Mooooooom!!! Mooooooommmmmy! Mooooom! Mooooommmmmmy!” at regular intervals. There are now 5 cars lined up behind me. I’m not missing openings – there simply aren’t any. Suddenly, one of the cars starts honking at me. Snapping, I whipped my head around to yell at the kids to shut UP. And…..missed an opening. Blurgh. Meanwhile, this complete onion-head in a Mercedes whips around the whole line behind me & pulls next to us, screaming profanities at me. He’s planning on turning left from the right lane in front of me. Nuh-uh, dude. Steve rolls down his window & starts chastising the guy for his language & idiocy. Mercedes Guy proceeds to berate him for marrying such a c*&t as me. Yeah. You’re done, my friend. Steve ACTUALLY starts getting out of the car while I’m screeching at him that NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!!!!! So…..Steve takes his full cup of fresh, hot chai from Starbucks & expertly chucks it through MG’s open window – splashing his expensive suit, leather interior & his face. Quickly, Steve rolls his window up before MG can get his bearings & throw it back. It hits our windshield.  Hot, fresh chai in entitlement freak’s lap. Sweeeeeeeet.

I totally dig my husband. He doesn’t tolerate offensive behavior from others. If people are having offensive conversations in a restaurant behind us, he will get up & ask them to stop. If someone insults me, he’ll require an apology from them. He grew up in a household with a father who simply didn’t tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. One time, his family was at a restaurant when his dad spots some guy smacking around his girl in the parking lot. Without a second thought, dad gets up, marches outside & wipes the parking lot with the guy. Not like punching, kicking kind of fighting. Simply dragging him around the parking lot like a dog. Completely emasculating him. You kick butt, dad. That’s the kind of stuff Steve learned. He may not look like it, but don’t mess with my husband. After working as a prison guard, he knows many ways to “encourage” submission without actual injury. And crush your trachea. Yeah. But, wait, the coolest part is that he doesn’t often have to do it. The man’s wit can handle nearly any situation – often leaving the recipient with a “duh” look on their face. He’s funny.

I’m so proud of him. He starts back to school next week. Yeah. He’s a lawyer, but he’s going back to school to be a high school teacher. How cool is that? He’s a little nervous about it, but he’s DOING it. He’s going to be an incredible teacher. I’m so proud of him. We love you, honey. You put up with my insanity, my insecurity, my foolish actions and you stick with me. You’re my best buddy, my fount of information, my playdate, my snuggle bear &, yeah, I think you’re sexy. And, no, I wouldn’t leave you for any of my pretend celebrity boyfriends – even if they asked. Ten years, babe. Rock on.

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