Self-Betrayal & My #MeToo Perspective

What do you do when you have a story, but it’s not like everyone else’s? When you relate, but differently and in a way that might not be seen as “valid?” When the circumstances of your life have created an unusual narrative inside of you that you don’t feel like you can share, but you have to because it’s causing you emotional turmoil?

If you’re me, you let it fester and rot for a bit and then you blog.

#METOO

Because, yes, I have at least one story of sexual assault. (Like EVERY OTHER WOMAN, if you believe the posts. And I do.) But I also have this other. This weirdly nebulous, not specific, not anything I can grab onto and hold up to show you that lives inside me. And it’s really angry right now. Really, really furious. Because it wants to be recognized, but it doesn’t know how. Even within the safety and sisterhood of #metoo, it just…..well…ISN’T. It isn’t the same. It isn’t like everybody else. But it HURTS. And I don’t know why.

Okay, let me back up. I’ll give you a little background.

There was no “defining moment” or “traumatic incident” that I can remember. Of any kind. Of course, I have to take into account this very weird and uncomfortable fact that I don’t remember. Much. There are large chunks of my life – everything before middle school, except flashes of events & things I did – where there is just nothing. I can tell you facts – where I lived, how long I lived there, what I was for Halloween (because: pictures), the layout of my house, along with random stuff here and there. But there is no reliable memory of what life was like and what happened day to day from that time. Things clear up a bit in middle school and even more in high school, but there are still gaps. I mean, literally. People I’m still friends with will remind me of something that happened or something I did and I have NOTHING. I even doubt that they’re remembering it correctly because I don’t remember anything about it. But they insist I was there and can tell me what I did. So take all that into account as I try to explain. Because it’s not like I can trace any of this back to “well, this happened and after that I was different.”

I’ve seen this quote posted in the past couple of days that really sparked my subconscious to start messing with me.

“Relenting doesn’t equal consenting.”

“Right on!” I thought. And as time went on, my brain started processing that and my life and how I’ve gone through my experiences with this kind of stuff. Because I’ve been a serial relenter.

Not in any kind of “well, this is happening to me, so I’m going to not fight and just wait for it to be over.” But in a much more insidious, creepy way. See, I cannot remember a time where I didn’t feel this sense of ‘obligation.’ Of ‘owing.’

God, how do I explain this? It’s really difficult.

It’s as if I’ve always felt that my body didn’t belong to me and therefore I didn’t have the right to body autonomy. If someone wanted to touch me or grab me or kiss me or comment about me or have sex with me or whatever. I had no right to say no, really. That I should be glad and flattered that someone would even want to, and therefore, I “owed” it to them. You want 14 year old me to touch you in a back lot when we’re out at night with friends, even though we’re not dating or anything. I guess I have to. You want to be someone who graduated 3 years before me, but I’ve never said 2 words to, come up to me in a bar when I’m dancing and ask me inappropriate questions and tell me to kiss you? Who am I to say no? You want to cover an entire page of my yearbook with the words, “EASY” and “UGLY” and claim it’s just a joke and I shouldn’t be upset? Okay, you’re right. Besides, I probably am.

I have never felt like I have the right to say no. So I relent. If you’ve taken me out and think you should get to park and make out now because we saw a movie together? I will figure out a way through that that doesn’t include the word “no.” I can’t even remember the number of times a guy I knew, but wasn’t involved with in any way, would demand a kiss and I just did it. I am obliged for existing.

Maybe it’s because I always felt so unlovable and unattractive that I just wanted recognition or acknowledgment? That my payment for existing in the world as such a useless shell was to give people what they asked for. I know it isn’t because I enjoyed it. I wasn’t finding any pleasure in any of these “relentings.” I didn’t know any other way to be. I didn’t value myself (still don’t, to a large extent) and therefore didn’t ask for anything in return. And, because I never said no, never resisted, never had enough self-acceptance to realize that I was being used, I can’t blame anyone but myself.

And that HURTS. I feel, in way, like my own pimp. I never protected myself, never demanded more respect or kindness from people. And so they didn’t give it to me.

So how does one deal with this in the wake of people acknowledging and speaking out against sexual harassment & abuse. I mean, it qualifies, but I did it to myself. No wonder my subconscious is so rageful right now. I betrayed MYSELF. And I have no reason why. I wish I could at least point back to something and say, “well, this happened, so it explains why I was like this.” But….nothing. I just began and went through my life with no autonomy and no boundaries and no self-respect. So I’m grieving, I think. I’m hurting. I’m angry. Maybe this is why I eventually gained so much weight. If I can’t trust myself to ward off unwanted advances, then at least I can make sure that there are no more of them. And it’s worked.

However, there is one thing I want to say. Yes, a lot of men took advantage of whatever this is in my wiring for their own benefit. They didn’t know that’s what they were doing, but they did it. But I can’t really blame them, because I never said no. However, I want to raise a glass to the men who DIDN’T. Who were either raised right or had enough sense to never even try to push themselves on someone without the ability to resist. Most of those men also had the barrier of my being drunk to deter them, because they knew enough to not move forward on a drunken girl who couldn’t really consent. And they could have moved in and “gotten some.” But they didn’t. And I thank them for being better to me than I was to myself. I honor you and thank you for caring about me – or even if you were just caring enough about yourself to avoid a questionable situation. It doesn’t matter to me. Because in the end, that’s one less self-hating memory I have to deal with.

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You Knew. Do Something.

I’d love to say I was surprised. I wish I was shocked. I want to believe the best in people all the time, sometimes to my own detriment. So when the news about Harvey Weinstein came out, I wish I could say that I never would have suspected. But that would be a lie.

No, I don’t know him. No, I never met him or had any dealings of any kind with him. But I remember the first time I saw his face. It was on an Oscars telecast years ago. Probably in the last 90s or early 2000s. I couldn’t figure out why the cameras kept cutting to this creepy looking, unshaven guy. Like he was important, but he sure didn’t look like he was. I found out later that he was Harvey Weinstein and he was possibly the most important man in Hollywood. And I knew at that moment that this guy was a predator who had a well & often used casting couch in his office and had no problems with trading choice film roles for “something in return.”

But I didn’t know just how disgusting, creepy, duplicitous, foul, and just plain nasty he is. We’ve all heard stories about the Hollywood Casting Couch and how so many powerful men have built actresses’ careers by expecting a little “something” in return. “Do this for me and I’ll put you in my film.” We’ve all heard it both from actresses’ mouths and as tawdry legend over the almost 100 years of Hollywood. There are those who would play along to get ahead and those who wouldn’t and whatever decision that particular person decided to make is THEIR business. But what Harvey played at is a different level of repulsive.

Subterfuge as a way of getting women in a position where they are fearful not just for their careers (which is bad enough), but for their safety. Of being assaulted, manipulated, physically harmed in some way. Of being raped. And, now we know, of having every single person who came in contact with her – from the hotel staff to his assistants to anyone who saw her in his company during the entire evening – believing that she was “Weinsteined.” Lured to a secluded location where she probably willingly gave it up in order to advance her career. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNEW WHAT HE DID. So she can’t even claim that she didn’t do anything, because everyone everywhere knew what he did, how he did it, and what that meant for the girl. So now she knows that everybody is talking about her in terms of “another in a long list of girls Harvey has ‘had’.”

Now, the woodwork is vibrating with the movement of different celebrities coming out of it – claiming they, too, were assaulted, claiming they had no idea and how horrifying and if they’d known, they’d have done thus & so. Before I say what I’m going to say, I’ll preface it with this: I don’t know anyone in Hollywood. I know no one in the system and certainly have no connections or knowledge of famous people and what they have or haven’t done.

But I honestly don’t believe for a second that so many of these recognizable celebrities didn’t know. Not for a second. I think that every single one of them either knew, had heard about it, had heard rumors or jokes about it, or knew someone who had gone through it. Something like that does NOT become a joke at the Oscars without everyone knowing. This many celebrities coming out and saying that it either happened to them or it almost happened to them did not go unnoticed by their friends & acquaintances. You don’t wear Marchesa to that many award shows without being under some obligation to her husband. YOU KNEW. YOU SUSPECTED. YOU HEARD THE RUMORS. And you said nothing.

And this is what makes me sick. So many very powerful, very famous female celebrities knew about this. And they did nothing to stop him. They said nothing to bring attention to it. They let their SISTERS drown. I’m sure there was the occasional warning or pointed conversation about “maybe you shouldn’t go meet him in his room because that might end badly……”, but none of them came forward and demanded a spotlight be shone on it. So woman after woman after woman, ad nauseum, suffered.

I don’t expect the women who experienced it – as they were experiencing it – to say anything. They were young and raw and inexperienced and hoping for a career boost. They weren’t expecting a naked old fat dude to prance out of his bedroom and demand a massage. They weren’t expecting to be broadsided like that. They weren’t expecting to be raped. So for them to speak up after the fact….well, we all know how well that goes for the woman. (See Affleck, CaseyAllen, WoodyCosby, Bill, Polanski, Roman, Schwarzenegger, Arnold)

And the men. :sigh: The Hollywood men who DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY KNEW. LIKE HIS BROTHER, BOB. The Brad Pitts, the George Clooneys, the Denzel Washingtons, the Matt Damons, the Tom Cruises, the Will Smiths, those men in the top tier most powerful positions as actors. They. Knew. And they did nothing – except tell Harvey to keep his mitts off their women. Where were they for their sisters in the movie arts? They couldn’t defend themselves against the most powerful man in Hollywood, but none of you did anything to help them. And, honestly, do you think that if George Clooney, Brad Pitt, et al, came forward to tell what Harvey was doing that THEY WOULDN’T BE BELIEVED?? Christ, all y’all had to say was that he was doing these horrible things and you weren’t going to stand for it and everyone would have believed you. But you didn’t. You wouldn’t have lost your careers – you’re Brad Pitt & George Clooney. Step up.

So, I’m disgusted. I’m disgusted by the fake “OMG, I had no idea, this is awful” crap. I’m disgusted by people not being willing to step up and use their celebrity privilege to protect each other. I’m disgusted by the pervasive, toxic masculinity that convinces itself and those around it that this behavior is acceptable. I’m SO disgusted by the response of so many men & women of “why did they wait so long to say something.” (And, no, I’m not even going to dignify that ignorant bullshit with a response) And I’m beyond disgusted by the men who respond to this and shit like it with their caveman mentality of “shut up, you bitch, you deserve that because you’re a woman.” I think the correlation between the rise of that ignorant, misogynistic assmunchery and the troglodyte running our country is impenetrable.

Something else that grabbed me, of course, is the number of women coming forward with their own stories of assault, harassment, unwanted attention, and other encounters like this. This is something men don’t and can’t understand. And since they can’t understand it, often they insist it doesn’t exist. But it does. It doesn’t matter if you’re pretty or hot or sexy or dressed in a white doctor’s coat or a construction hat or a garbage collector’s jumpsuit. It happens to everyone.

It’s amazing what thinking about this does to me. See, I honestly cannot recall a single incident where I was harassed or assaulted either in the workplace or just in general. There were incidents in college at parties or while drinking, but not the kind of thing I’m hearing other women talk about – an eye doctor pretends to drop a contact down her blouse and has to “get it,” while copping a feel at the same time. Getting your ass smacked at work. Having creepy or unsettling comments made at you by professionals or others in the workplace. That kind of thing. I honestly cannot think of a single incident. But you want to know what’s truly fucked up about that? My first thought wasn’t, “Well, good! I’m glad I was surrounded by men who weren’t the kind to do that kind of thing.” No. My first thought?

“What was wrong with me that no one ever did that?”

You see, THIS SHIT is such an ingrained part of our world that I assumed that since it hadn’t happened to me, I’M THE ONE WHO’S LACKING. That I should have had it happen to me, since it happens to almost every woman everywhere. I must be too ugly even to be harassed. I didn’t go to a positive place, but a self-deprecating one. We women have come to believe that it SHOULD and WILL happen to us. That having it NOT happen to us is so far from the norm, it’s grossly abnormal. I mean, I know why we women have accepted it for so long. (And if you don’t, scroll up and see my references above) It can be unbelievably daunting to step out and speak up against the treatment we learn to accept as the price we pay for having a vagina – or even looking like we might. But why do the men in the world allow it? Why don’t they speak out? Why don’t powerful men and powerful women call it out when they see it more, bringing it to the spotlight and MAKING everyone look at it. Yes, it’s ugly and greasy and covered in festering sores – but hiding it from view isn’t going to change a damn thing. Telling women to “make sure you take a man with you when to go to that meeting” might protect her for that moment, but it doesn’t change anything and it puts the impetus of what happens on HER, not the perp.

If you’re a man reading this, do me a favor. Talk to the women in your life – your mother, your sister, your wife or girlfriend, your grandmother. Ask them about this and if it’s ever happened to them. THEN LISTEN. Don’t talk at them or over them. LISTEN TO THEIR STORY. Very often, older women will shrug it off as what they had to endure at that time. Doesn’t mean it didn’t affect them. I think you’ll be very surprised by the number of women in your life who have THIS in their table of contents.

And if you have sons. TEACH. My God, teach them. Teach them that women are not possessions to be acquired, nor property to be taken. Teach them that no matter how powerful they are, they have the responsibility to act like a human being. That no one – EVER – owes them access to their body. And that asking for it in return for a favor is DISGUSTING. Teach them to watch and listen for this kind of shit happening around them. Teach them to risk themselves to step in to protect another person from something like this. Teach them to LISTEN to what other people’s experiences are and to accept that, even though it isn’t THEIR experience, it’s still valid. And most of all, teach them that kindness, self-control, and respect for others are of the utmost importance. Please. We need far more men like that in the world.

 

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DBAD

There is too much. Too much going on, too much going wrong, too much to do, you know the drill. I haven’t blogged in a billion years, but every time I even think of blogging, I’m like, “Oh, hell, what am I supposed to talk about? Nazis? Racism? DACA? The fact that the earth is trying desperately to shake us all off? My daily routine?

Everything that seems important to talk about isn’t something I feel qualified to discuss. At all. There ain’t nothing this middle-aged white lady from the suburbs can say about racism that would help or inform or even be meaningful. Same with DACA. Or anything happening politically. I know enough to have my own opinion, but not nearly enough to inform or persuade others. So I’ll shut up. But then, in the midst of the way our country is burning (literally & figuratively), it feels stupid as hell to talk about the minutiae of my boring life. I mean, American citizens are fighting & dying. Who gives a ripe fig about what I’m making for dinner?

I don’t know. I’m so exhausted lately, too. I’m not sure if it’s physical problems or just the stress of living in the world right now, but I can sleep all. the. time. No exaggeration. I went and got all my physical tests, but I have to get back & get the results. I honestly don’t know if I’d rather find out there’s something actually wrong with me that will explain my fatigue or not.

His teacher & I agree – Henry has begun puberty. Remember how I used to talk about how Henry is so stubborn & dictatorial? I was a fool. He ended the summer and began the year by taking his previous frustrating behavior, tying it to a rocket, and launching it toward the sun. It is bigger, louder, and on fire. His hitting, kicking, refusal to do things, and basic tantrum stuff is off the charts. His teacher suggested that he’s probably beginning puberty, which, while I knew it was going to happen, made my brain shut down for a few minutes. Henry in puberty? Oh no. I don’t even want to THINK about what that’s going to mean. He’s already terribly physically inappropriate, grabbing people, pulling on their clothes, burying his face in bodies, hugging too long and too … um…. violently. No thank you. I’ll pass on this, if you don’t mind.

I hate to think about it. Isn’t there a pill or a powder I can put in his yogurt to just skip this stage? It’s one thing for a child who can understand what’s happening or for a child who you can talk to and explain things to them, but Henry is just not that child. Can’t he just stay, like, 10? Grrrrph.

My photography business is growing & that’s cool. I am now the photographer for 3 different theatre groups, which is probably close to the limit of what I should book for that. Otherwise, tech weeks start overlapping and it becomes problematic to shoot that ever-important FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL. But I’m also getting more one-time shoots as well, which I’m loving.

Other thoughts….okay.

Weather channels: can you please stop your EXTREMEWEATHERROCKERS from standing out in the midst of the eyewall of the horrible storm? I’m literally waiting, jaw clenched & nails digging into my arms, for every one of them to get scooped up by the 140 mph wind and thrown into a building or into the storm surge that’s RIGHT BEHIND THEM, or just off into the ocean where we will get to watch them die, live, on TV. I know you don’t want them in front of glass that can shatter and kill them all, either, but it’s so stressful to wonder if this is the time the earth actually murders them for their careless behavior.

I’ve never lived in an area that has to worry about hurricanes. I have no idea what goes into the process of preparing or determining whether to stay or go or “riding the storm out” or any of it. But here’s what I do know. JUDGING OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR DECISION WHEN YOU AREN’T THERE AND DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING OR WHAT THEY’RE FACING IS BEING AN ASSHOLE. I saw way too much of this during Harvey and now with Irma. Yes, it’s optimal for everyone to have the ability to evacuate for safer territory. Not everyone has that option. Not everyone has the ability to leave. Whether it’s being literally immobile or not have the money or means to drive away or being homeless or whatever. Yes, there are buses and shelters and emergency evacuation services. What if you’re stuck in bed at home and can’t get on a bus? What if you’re homeless and have been in shelters before where really bad things have happened to you and you’re not setting foot in one again? What if the storm turns at the last minute and you THOUGHT you were safe, but now you’re not and it’s literally too late to get in the car and go anywhere? What if you don’t have any family or friends to ask for help? For as many people are there are, there are that many different situations. If you are able to leave, that’s wonderful. If you’re able to help others leave, that’s even better. If you are somewhere else in the country watching it on TV and you think you know better? SHUT UP. When you’re IN IT and you’re following coverage and see that your only way out of there is blocked and at a standstill and the gas stations are running out of gas and you have to decide whether to try to stay and hunker down or attempt an escape and have the possibility of being stranded in your car on a blocked highway while the hurricane hits you? You make the best decision you can in that moment. Is it always optimal? No. Is it even always the best decision you could have made? Probably not. But if you’re not making the decision for yourself, shut up forever.

One last thing. If you have the pleasure of visiting one of our national parks or a gorgeous huge forest or a national landmark or something like that. DON’T BE A DICK. Put your damn fireworks away. Don’t smoke. Stop screwing around with the habitat or the markers or the geysers or throwing shit into a gorge. Stop acting like a complete shitgibbon. It’s not there for you to carve your damn name into or jump around like an asshole or leap over a barrier meant to protect YOU and the natural area & damaging things. Walk through, take pictures, and go the hell home. And if you have to be TOLD that you can’t have FIRE in an area experiencing DROUGHT, STAY THE F&$K HOME. The rest of us are sick to death of you ruining everything for everyone else, killing animals and people, destroying habitats and thousands of acres of woodlands, and causing hell on earth. If your asshattery makes hundreds of firemen & helicopters & police have to go into STATE EMERGENCY mode, evacuates homes & neighborhoods, and causes millions of $$ of damage, you shouldn’t be allowed out in the world anymore. Behave like a human being and STOP BEING A DICK.

Thanks. Have a great day.

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BE ASHAMED

I’m pissed. There will be swears. If that is problematic for you, may I recommend returning back from whence you came.

In the past 2-3 weeks, the insanity that has taken over our country has been….breathtaking. Jaw-dropping. Mind-numbing. Overwhelming. I mean, we all knew Trump was an idiot, Pence is insane, and Bannon’s a racist dumpster fire. And we knew the GOP in Congress are bullies who just vote for things because that’s the party line. But I thought….stupidly, I know, but I thought that when it came to the unqualified imbecile nominated for Secretary of Education, they could all see just how dangerous she would be. The fact that our CHILDREN deserve someone who actually knows ANYTHING about education to oversee EDUCATION would be too blinding to ignore.

I’m really damn naive. I am floored & flabbergasted. I am deflated & pissed as hell. I’m terrified & want to beat the hell out of someone.

I don’t ever want to hear again how we all need to stand up and speak out and we can make a difference and they have to listen to us and blah blah blee blee blecccch. BULLSHIT. They don’t give a ripe shit about any of us. This PERSON paid millions of dollars and BOUGHT herself a cabinet seat. And they LET HER. We all know who she “donated” to and how much. We’ve called those Senators on their BRIBES and they don’t care. They sit in their $2000 suits and their super-expensive shoes while interns OPEN THE BLOODY CHAMBER DOORS FOR THEM because they’re apparently too important to work hinges. They stride through those doors like kings, swooping & sweeping in, knowing full well they’re going to ruin the lives of people every day and they don’t give a rat’s ass. Because they’ve got theirs and the rest of us can go hang.

A good education should be a GIVEN. For every child. Whether you live in a rural area with only one school or in a major city with dozens of them. Whether you’re the president or a dock worker. Whether you’re white or a person of color. Vouchers are ridiculous. Sure, they’re great if you live somewhere that’s rife with schools and you have something to choose from when your public school is inadequate (because they don’t have the resources the private schools do), but what if there isn’t an alternative where you live? What if, even with vouchers, you can’t afford that school? What if you don’t want your children attending a religious school because you aren’t that religion and you don’t want that indoctrinated in your child? What if you live in the middle of nowhere and your kid is already bused 45 minutes away to go to the only school that serves your county? WHAT IF YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS WHO CANNOT ATTEND “Sister Friends of Money Street Charter School” because they can’t or won’t take your kid? And don’t tell me that doesn’t happen, because it HAPPENED TO US. And we only had a child with Asperger’s. There isn’t a “choice” for my Henry. He can’t go to a Montessori school or a Christian school or a Lutheran school or a Jewish school or your special “Super Flush with Cash White Upperclass Friends” school that you have to pay $10000 per year to get into – and then only if you know somebody.

My son gets his education in a Life Skills classroom in a public school. BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE THOSE TEACHERS ARE. The teachers in these other school don’t know what to do with life skills kids. They don’t want to teach life skills kids. Kids who are teenagers and need their diapers changed? Kids you have to feed because they can’t use their hands? Kids who can’t sit up on their own? Kids who have seizures? Kids for whom excellent progress is whether they’ve cut down their hitting/kicking/scratching from every 4 minutes to every 10 minutes? They couldn’t HANDLE that. But those kids deserve an education, don’t they?

Not according to these monsters. See, I remember what it was like when I was a kid. Before mainstreaming. When every kid with special needs (Down Syndrome, autism, behavior disorders, encephalopathy, aphasia/dysphagia, cerebral palsy, fragile X, seizure disorders – all of it) was placed in a special school. The only special education classes in the mainstream schools were ones that taught the “slow learners.” They were mostly typical kids, but they couldn’t keep up with the regular classes. All these other kids? Were in their own building. We never saw them. We never interacted with them. Therefore….can you make the leap?

Therefore, none of us knew anything about them. We didn’t know about them as people, we didn’t know about their diagnoses, we didn’t know anything except “they’re different, that’s scary.” So we made fun of them, we steered clear of them, we stared at them. It wasn’t until I was in college and got a summer job working at this school in our town that I learned anything.

Now jump forward to today. Today, Henry and kids like him are in the mainstream school with their peers. If they can participate in their peers’ classrooms, they’re mainstreamed. If they can’t, they’re placed in special classrooms within the school and efforts are made to include them with the neurotypical students, like in blended PE classes. They’re also involved with Best Buddies programs where they get special time to connect and get to know their peers and, JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, the peers get to know them. They get to realize they’re not weird or scary or anything except people. My son consistently has neurotypical peers saying hi to him, stopping to talk to him, greeting him when he arrives in the morning. They fight to be paired with him in PE. They aren’t scared or weirded out at all.

As I discussed in my previous post, we CAN’T leave this issue to the states. We cannot abandon the IDEA and trust that each state will do everything to meet these students’ needs. BECAUSE THEY DON’T & THEY WON’T.

Let’s make it perfectly clear. What we were shown today – in blinding neon colors and 3D – is that students matter. Wait…..no. It’s that students who meet these criteria matter:

  • White
  • Rich
  • Christian

I think that’s it. If you’re poor? We don’t care. If you’re a person of color? Tough luck. If you aren’t interested in having Jesus in your school? So sad. The only thing our legislators (and administration) care about is if you have money/power and if you’re white. And the religion thing is debatable. Because if you’re a poor Christian who can’t get to a charter school? Ooops. That’s too bad. You need to be a rich Christian who has money to throw at their issues. They aren’t listening to the black churches in Atlanta or Memphis or Detroit. They don’t care about all the Hispanic people who attend Catholic mass every week. They SURE don’t care about those poor white people in the Appalachians attending their Baptist or charismatic churches.

Rich. White. Christian. You gotta be all three. You gotta be Betsy DeVos who threw around hundred of millions of dollars – “donating” it to these Republican senators – and who clearly stated that she expects a “return on her investment.” A woman with a whole lotta money, but no ability to do this job. Just ask Michigan.

I’m disgusted. The fact that these legislators are so blatantly following the money is revolting. When did we stop caring about others AT ALL? When did we become so fucking horrible? When did the wants of corporations become all that matters? I know, I know. It’s been that way for a long while. I guess I thought when it’s THIS horrifyingly obvious, they might try to hide it a little better. But every single one of these assholes will be held accountable. Some of them are up for reelection next year. I know they’ll never know what it’s like to be poor or of color or struggling or just trying to keep their heads above water. But, damn it, they work for US. We have to fire them. We have to. We cannot continue like this. I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to my kid. And all the other kids I know like Henry.

To all of you who voted for her (and who will vote for Sessions and the other monstrous nominees), shame on you. I wish on you what happened to Cersai on Game of Thrones. You need to walk naked through the Washington Mall letting us all spit on you and shout “SHAME.” You pledged to uphold the Constitution and represent your constituents. You have done NEITHER. All I have left to say is you should be ashamed of yourselves. Oh, and YOU SUCK FOREVER.

 

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#IPromise

As you know, there is this person who has been nominated for the position of Secretary of Education in #45’s cabinet. As you may also know, she is highly unqualified to even be considered for this position and is only being nominated because she’s rich as hell and has bought herself this position.

We are, right this minute, looking down the barrel of a loaded gun that is pointed directly at every single one of our children. For, in Ms. DeVos’ eyes, if your child is poor or non-white or has a disability or any number of other markers that mean “not rich & filled with privilege,” she doesn’t care.

Now I don’t know exactly what it takes to be the Secretary of Education for our country. I don’t know all the ins & outs, the laws & policies that need to be studied and followed. I don’t even know all the things I don’t know – you know?

But here’s what I do know. I know that when it came to the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilites in Education Act), she was utterly clueless. She didn’t even seem to know what it means. And, in a moment of transparency that spoke VOLUMES, she said that this was a matter that the states should handle. Which tells me not only does she not KNOW what the IDEA does, she doesn’t give a ripe fig.

See, the IDEA is our country’s way to make sure that states don’t shuffle off our children with special needs. To make sure that there are guidelines and rules that MUST be followed in order to ensure that every child has the right to educational opportunities. And to make sure that these children are included with the mainstream, offered the same or similar opportunities as the mainstream, and to give them EVERY. SINGLE. POSSIBLE. SHOT. at learning, growing, achieving, and becoming a valuable member of society. To remove the IDEA and trust the states to do what’s right is INSANE. Let me tell you why.

I live in Illinois. My state ranks fourth FROM THE BOTTOM in providing services for people with disabilities. That includes children, yes, but also adults. As far as special education services, the DOE reported in 2015 that Illinois joins 31 others in the category “needs assistance (2 or more years).” Of course, that’s better than Texas & District of Columbia, who ranked “needs intervention.” But it’s interesting, since Illinois is ranked #13 in 2016’s States With the Best School Systems. How we can do well in providing mainstream education, but fall short when it comes to students with special needs is kind of baffling. But I digress. The point is that without these federal IDEA standards, how well do you think individual states will do with achieving excellence (or even satisfactory results) on their own?

But here’s the point. Ms. DeVos made it through her committee hearing. Even after senator upon senator was called until they stopped answer their phones or emptying their voice mails, even after email after email came flooding into official inboxes, even after tweet after tweet to senators fell on deaf ears – all begging our elected officials to listen to us and deny this person a post – they voted “yes” and moved her on. I, myself, spent time over several days tweeting different senators (“this one’s on the fence!!” “that one wants to hear from us!”) with a short video of my son, Henry. I shared the video, introduced him and reiterated that Ms. DeVos doesn’t care about kids like Henry. That their educational opportunities will be slashed with her in charge. I thought that, just maybe, making it a little personal might make a difference.

But it didn’t. Because these men & women WE PUT in their positions don’t give a rat’s ass about what we want. They are only concerned with the party line, the money they’re getting from PAC funds, donors, and whatever little piece of power they might get by doing what someone up higher tells them to do. They forget. THEY WORK FOR US.

So, I’m done. If there is one thing these people in Washington should know, it’s that you’d BETTER NOT MESS WITH OUR KIDS. Have you ever seen a Mama Lion or a Mama Bear or even a Mama Goose if something comes after their young? They will fight to the death. And that’s what I’m talking about right now.

Dear Ms. DeVos & (especially) the GOP members of Congress:

Be prepared. A fight is coming. We mothers will no longer stand by and let you sell away our children’s futures. I am right now, standing up and declaring this: I promise, with every cell, bone, breath, and thought in my body, that if you Ms. DeVos gets confirmed and becomes Secretary of Education, I will rally. I will engage. I will round up every last Mama Bear I can, create grassroots groups, resistance movements, and voter cells that will take action. I will, very simply, keep a record of EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who votes “yes” for her. And with every ounce of strength I can muster, I will round up troops to make sure this is the last term you serve. Whether you are in Illinois or Louisiana or Washington or North Dakota – I will find voters in your state and I will empower them to go and start working NOW to make sure you don’t get re-elected. There is NOTHING in this country worth more than our children. If you can’t see that, woe be unto you. This country has never seen the power and strength and determination of mothers whose children are threatened. And, make no mistake, confirming this woman is a direct threat. You think things are bad? Just wait. Thousands upon thousands of mothers, angry as hell, doing the groundwork, the organizing, the fighting, the emailing, the tweeting, the legwork with the sole purpose of REMOVING YOU FROM OFFICE. This isn’t a threat. It’s a promise. It’s a vow. It’s a warning. Our new president has been wildly and ridiculously telling other foreign leaders that they are “on notice.” Well, right back atcha. YOU ARE ON NOTICE. You work for US. If you do not do what we want (and the people overwhelmingly want that woman gone), we will REMOVE YOU.

Don’t test me. Don’t test the millions of mothers out there. When it comes to our kids, we don’t fuck around. You make it harder for my Henry to obtain a quality education? Well, I’d run if I were you. And don’t look back.

 

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